“ If I ain’t got nothing, I got you
If I ain’t got something I don’t give a damn, ’cause I got it with you
I don’t know much about algebra, but I know one plus one equals two
And it’s me and you
That’s all we’ll have when the world is through …“1+1 Beyonce
I hope that when you read this post, you are in good health, and if the prognosis is not all you wish it could be, I hope you stay in high spirits. This week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I suppose it was the culmination of the past several weeks, but this week death hit home for me. Not that I have not seen or been a witness to death prior, but this week, my dear sister lost her husband at the young age of 40. This got me to thinking about what I really want and what I really want to say to the people I love, and with whom do I want to spend my time. I think like most people, I took family and friends for granted, always assuming that when I do decide to come around, they will be receptive, and we will pick up where we left off. For some friends and family, this is true, but then for others, I can feel their resentment and abandonment. That was never my intention, and as I grow, I realize that I have the abandonment issues. For years I was the only child, and then even once I did get a little sister, I was already well on my way to my own life. All my adolescent friends have come and gone; it has always been this way. Friends I had when I was 10 have moved on, and the ones I made just last year are long gone as well.
I detach myself from people before the relationship, I feel, becomes stale, and they realize all the bad qualities in me. I never really accepted that people could just like me for all of me. This is the negative self-talk I told myself, I did not love all the weirdo in me. It took my ex to call me a weirdo (not as a term of endearment) that I finally accepted and loved the weird in me. I no longer have to carry that weight. I am free to be as odd and dreamy as I wish. I am free to fall in love with myself, open my heart to my old friends, and new and match my inner crazy with a partner’s inner peace.
There is beauty in life and death, and I intend to see both with someone that I love and who loves me back.
I will not go too deep into marriage but stay tuned because I have an excellent post coming soon, I had to do a lot of introspection and research for that one.
This is what I know, I have the dress picked out, and the flowers arranged. I have all the intentions to buy my venue, which is a farm that I am preparing to purchase soon. Now a farmhouse wedding is not my vision, but I can see the forest through the trees, and you will see my wedding there too. I can see rows and clusters of Sugar Maples and Eastern Hemlocks all draped in Meteor lights (cascading lights). Through a clearing, I can see dancing candle lights atop a wide semi-circle of tables and chairs for 200 of my closes friends and family. Tables draped in beautiful ivory linen, each place setting adorned with a wooden plaque where each guests name is beautifully inscribed. Champagne flutes sing as the wind floats across the rims, filled with Vouette et Sorbee Cuvee Fidele Extra Brut, ready for a toast. The string quartet is playing Schubert’s Ave Maria off in the distance as night begins to fall, and I can reach out and touch the harvest moon from my bedroom terrace. The dark blues and deep purples and reds with touches of blush pink peony seem to dance under the moonlight. From my room, I can hear laughter, the sound of the guest strolling down the gravel footpaths leading from the wedding ceremony site remind me that it is almost time. I turn to my sister my bridesmaid, I give her a wink and a node to help me undress. My gorgeous but simple A-line, princess, cut off the shoulder, Satin Champagne wedding gown was everything I ever dreamt of. I am ready to join my husband and guest at the reception.
As I enter the wooded clearing surrounded by everyone’s smiling faces, I can see my man in the center of the illuminated dance floor. As I approach, I can hear the piano and cello starting to play A Thousand Years, he holds out his hand. I confidently take hold, and he wisps me away. At that moment, I can see all of my past and all of my future. All of the hurt melts into the hem of my one-piece, and as we spin and glide arm and arm my attached cape swirls around me and I can feel my feet leave the floor, I am floating. At this moment, we are one. Everything it took for us to come together, all the seemingly miss-steps lead us to now, the moment when I know love is more than just a certificate, but it is a future. A future where I can share all my insecurities and a future where we can grow in all things with a shared vision.
I can smell a hint of Salmon and lemon butter, I hear the waitstaff starting to place the first course. The tempo begins to pick up, and I can feel everyone’s eyes pulling me back towards earth, they make their way to their place settings. Then the soft, warm touch of my father’s hand on my back. I lean down to his wheelchair to give him a kiss, and he pulls me in closer to whisper, “I love you.”
Wow, I got lost in the moment there. Visualizing I use to think was so hard, but then I realized I am a dreamer. Pisces are known for that quirky little personality treat. I hope that as you read this, you can start to envision yourself within your dreams. It makes them so much more real. Now, if I could only envision my husband, maybe I could find him through the trees.
This is what inspired me today: